PictureBoss: Nice pictures Jaded

JadedSnapper: Are you ill?

PictureBoss: Just one question…

JS: Oh, no, I can see you’re functioning perfectly normally

PictureBoss:… that picture of BigFamousMan kissing a baby… did you get a shot of him doing it with all the snappers in the background..

JS: What, the ‘profound meeja shot’ that unpacks the notion of the photocall as an actual event?

PictureBoss: Yeah

JS: But you hate that kind of shot

PictureBoss: Well there are always exceptions…

JS: In fact last time I did that shot you said: “I hate that profound bollocks, it just shows you couldn’t get to the right position in time. Don’t do it again. No exceptions”

PictureBoss: Yes, but look at this shot [taps his computer screen]

JS: What about it?

PictureBoss: Well, I quite like this ‘meeja shot’ that ArtyAgency took. Look he’s caught the flash from the other snappers and everything…

JS: Yes, it is nice

PictureBoss: So have you got one just like it?

JS: [tapping on the screen] What’s that in the background?

PictureBoss: Well that’s the snappers. I like the way it unpacks the notion of the photocall…

JS: As an event, and sums it up as a contrivance?

PictureBoss: Yeah, it’s clever isn’t it. So have you got one?

JS: Well if you play Where’sJaded for just a minute you’ll see me just there [taps screen]

PictureBoss: Ah, yeah, there you are!

JS: And he only kissed one baby, once

PictureBoss: Right..

JS: And so if I’m there getting the shot I’ve given you

PictureBoss: Uh-huh

JS: I can’t also be there [tapping screen] taking the shot ArtyAgency took

PictureBoss: Yeah, but I like that shot [hammering screen]

JS: And you asked for that shot [tapping screen on his own picture]

PictureBoss: But I’ve looked through all your shots, arbitrarily decided what’s missing, looked through everyone else’s shots and now, post event, come to the decision that I want that shot [bashing the screen at ArtyAgency's picture]

JS: But there’s an infinite amount of pictures that can be taken any one event…

PictureBoss: Yes

JS: …And I can only take a limited number…

PictureBoss: That’s true…

JS: …So I tend to take the pictures I’ve been asked for first, and the clever ones second…

PictureBoss: You’ve been trained well!

JS: … But despite that, whatever I take, on your orders, you will always -

PictureBoss: – That’s right, find the ‘missing’ picture and innocently ask ‘Have you got this one?’

JS: Well you put me in a dilemma

PictureBoss: I thought it was a paradox?

JS: It’s confusing isn’t it. So what do you want me to do? Swap frames?

PictureBoss: Oh no, that’s corrupt

JS: What then?

PictureBoss: Be in two places at once

Today’s post comes from the Jaded Snapper to read more visit jadedsnapper.wordpress.com

LondonPRType: Jaded, dahling! How are you?

JadedSnapper: Yes, erm, wonderful

LondonPRType: So, I’ve heard you’re thinking of going freelance, and I’ve got a great opportunity for a ‘start-up’ business such as yourself

JS: [interest peaked] Okey-doke, what do you need?

LondonPRType: Well, my client is a four-star hotel. A four-star hotel JS, they don’t normally let you in!

JS: Well, no, but go on…

LondonPRType: – Yes, so this prestigious client of mine needs pictures doing at our prestigious event.  I tried to get a photography student, but I need your quality!!

JS: Right well, how much are you going to offer me?

LondonPRType: [pushes an envelope across the table] I think you’ll be pleased with this offer

JS: [opens the envelope, a glossy piece of paper floats down] What’s this?

LondonPRType: Why that’s a voucher for a JuniorBurger at GoldenArches

JS: What’s that doing in the envelope?

LondonPRType: Why, that’s my offer, I know you like food!

JS: It’s certainly a very generous offer

LondonPRType: It certainly is!

JS: But I didn’t realise we’ve reverted to a bartering economy after centuries of using, erm, actual currency

LondonPRType: Ok, you’re a great photographer, so I’ll up my offer! I’ll give you a credit

JS: Ooh! A credit! That’s tipped the balance

LondonPRType: Look Jaded, this is a great opportunity for a start-up like you – A four star hotel!

JS: So, this hotel. I take it you’re charging them?

LondonPRType: Well, of course, I’m one of the top PRs in my head!

JS: And part of that fee will include providing photography I imagine…

LondonPRType: Well, yes, the sourcing, briefing and thieving from photographers is a time consuming business. I’ve got a dozen others to dupe after you!!

JS: But you don’t see fit to say, I don’t know, pay the photographer that you’re hiring to take these prestigious pictures for your prestigious client?

LondonPRType: Look, this is a great opportunity for a start-up business such as yourself. Think of the experience! A four star -

JS: Yes, I know. The hotel has four shiny stars

LondonPRType: Yes, but, look, if you do this one job for me, I’ll consider you for some even more prestigious jobs in the future. I might even refer you to other PRs!!

JS: Jobs that involve the exchange of currency?

LondonPRType: Well, no, if you accept doing this job for free – erm, I mean for my prestigious voucher – then I see no reason to pay you in the future.

JS: Oh, well how will these prestigious jobs differ then?

LondonPRType: I’ll give you a BigBurger Voucher!!

JS: Fantastic!

Today’s post comes from the Jaded Snapper to read more visit jadedsnapper.wordpress.com

PictureBoss: Hi Jaded, I’ve got a little query..

JadedSnapper: Oh, right, what about?

PictureBoss: Well I’ve just been reading over your sick note…you’ve put down a pretty strange ‘reason for illness’ [shows sick note to JS]

JS: [looking at form, slightly quizzically] ‘Alienation’. What’s wrong with that?

PictureBoss: It’s not really an illness as such…

JS: Oh yes it is.

PictureBoss: Oh no it isn’t!

JS: Oh yes it is!

PictureBoss: Look it’s not quite the season for that behaviour

JS: Fair play

PictureBoss: So why were you off?

JS: Well look, do you remember ‘The GoodPicture’?

PictureBoss: Ah, yes, ‘The GoodPicture’. What a day!

JS: What happened to that picture?

PictureBoss: It went around the world. Appeared in PoshPaper, YankPaper, InternationalTrendyMagazine and BitchyFashionBlog. You were famous! You see the opportunities we give to you Jaded!

JS: Except I didn’t exactly get bylined did I?

PictureBoss: Well it was a typo I suppose…

JS: Yeah you don’t spell my name ‘LocalAgency’ do you?

PictureBoss: No, but we have a deal with them, they lift our content, claim all the credit and half the profits go back our way

JS: Well, you see, that’s the source of my illness

PictureBoss: [confused] Oh, right…

JS: ‘The GoodPicture’ went around the world, made it into all of those newspapers and magazines and what do I get?

PictureBoss: A warm fuzzy feeling inside?

JS: Precisely fuck all I believe

PictureBoss: Look, Jaded, no one goes into the media to make money as such. It’s for the glory, the thrill of the chase, the news, Jaded, it’s all about the news!

JS: It’s quite hard to chase a dog shit. Look, MDBoss gets a huge whack, and bonuses for his ‘performance’ -

PictureBoss: – Yep, not down that much this year

JS: I know, it’s fantastic. I was just wondering when us snappers would get a performance related bonus. The EveningSnooze must have made a mint on that -

PictureBoss: – Yeah you’re normally a dead loss. ‘The GoodPicture’ put us into profit that week. You didn’t cost us a penny!

JS: – Yeah, so, you made a mint on that and I get paid nowt, and will forever be paid nowt. Where does that cash go? Can’t it go on a bonus for the editorial department?

PictureBoss: Yes but as your contract states -

JS: – Yes I know, ‘We own your soul’ -

PictureBoss: – Look, I’ll come clean. The money all gets invested into a pension fund…

JS: Oh, well, that’s good. Although I don’t have a pension

PictureBoss: No Jaded, not your pension fund

JS: Well whose then?

PictureBoss: MDBoss’ of course!

Today’s post comes from the Jaded Snapper to read more visit jadedsnapper.wordpress.com

JadedSnapper: So what’s happening in this quiet suburban street?

CouncillorOppose: These bottles of booze have been drunk by the scourge of our pleasant neighbourhood!

JS: Not CharityMuggers?!

CouncillorOppose: No… worse than that… students!

JS: Oh, yes, I saw your quote

CouncillorOppose: “1000s of drunken, barbarous, students marauding the good streets of SnoozeCity fills me with dread!” – that’ll get me a little votey. [to self] Votey voteys, lovely little voteys!!

JS: [a little confused] Err, yes… I didn’t think that FormerPoly had a reputation for drunken barbarousness…

CouncillorOppose: Never mind that! Look at all this delicious booze they’ve left behind. It’s even in a pretty semi-circle. Perfect for the documentary photographer

JS: Well it’s lucky I don’t believe in setting up these decisive moments. They’ve chosen an odd array of drinks for students. I mean CheapCider?

CouncillorOppose: They’re FormerPoly students, their parents can’t afford PoshCider. I thought it’d be more appropriate. And they’ve drunk a whole bottle of DirtyWhiskey! Lovely DirtyWhiskey

JS: Right…so I don’t see any street-based chaos. Not even any sick on the floor

CouncillorOppose: [shifting on his feet] I’ll get round to that in a minute. Look I really think we should get on with this.

JS: You do seem to be struggling

CouncillorOppose: Yes so, I’ll just sit on the floor. It’ll be easier for me

JS: So given that there’s no visible carnage, I can only assume that nothing actually happened…

CouncillorOppose: Never let the facts get in the way of a good story my man

JS: What about a shit one?

CouncillorOppose: Then it’s even more perty…perty-nent.

JS: I’d hate to libel the good students of FormerPoly…

CouncillorOppose: [leaning on one hand and loosens tie] Look I’ve been up all night getting through these little babies – I’m starting to flag a little.

JS: Okay, but what about besmirching the students?

CouncillorOppose: [pointing with finger] My…voterers

JS: Constituents?

CouncillorOppose: [in a correcting tone, wagging finger] My…voterers are in fear of these marauding students. I have to be seen to be actoring about it.

JS: And mythical problems are so much easier to solve than real ones…

CouncillorOppose: Look, I’ll just point at these little bottle-ies and you take the picture.

JS: Maybe do an enraged open palm instead. It would look like you’re reaching out to your constituents

CouncillorOppose: [wagging finger] Voterers!

JS: Yes that’s right.

CouncillorOppose: Okey, okey-dokey. Should I hold the DirtyWhiskey as well? I mean I’ll have to balance on my behind, but I’ll do my best

JS: You surely mean sit?

CouncillorOppose: At this stage of the night it’s definitely balance. Look I’m holding this boozey and reaching out to the rest

JS: I think that’ll illustrate you perfectly. Click

Today’s post comes from the Jaded Snapper to read more visit jadedsnapper.wordpress.com

PopeBoss: [leafing through his book] Awroighte bab, how yaoiw doin’?

JadedSnapper: Err, what?

PopeBoss: [confused, turns some more pages, slightly stressed expression] How bin ya?

JS: [doesn't understand, so humours] Yes, lovely. So we don’t have much time, could you hold the bible nice and close to your chest?

PopeBoss: Worritiz, right, is not a Boible

JS: Ok, what is it then?

PopeBoss: It’s for me holidays [turns cover to JS]

JS: “Deutsch-Brummie phrasebook” Nice to see you embracing the local culture

PopeBoss: Yeah, well Oi thought it was gonna be bostin’ but my tour’s going rubbish

JS: Mate, I can’t understand you. Put the book down

PopeBoss: But you’re from the local paper!?

JS: Precisely. And I can’t be bothered with all the googling’

PopeBoss: ‘Googling’?

JS: Never mind. So your tour’s not going well?

PopeBoss: Yeah, not compared to His. Thousands more went to see Him. And what happens to me?

JS: What?

PopeBoss: I can’t even headline my own gig. I was the support act for SuBo!

JS: Well she is internationally famous. And that voice!

PopeBoss: She’s got a face like bosted arse, that’s what she’s got. They wouldn’t do that to Him

JS: You haven’t exactly had the greatest PR. What with your advisor saying those vaguely racist things…

PopeBoss: Worritwoz, right, basically he heard we’d be driving through the Black Country and he got all confused

JS: Oh

PopeBoss: So I thought if I learnt a bit of Brummie I could save this from being a disaster. I can’t even sell out. There’s supposed to be a billion of us lot!

JS: Well it is the credit crunch…

PopeBoss: Never mind that bollocks, He always sells out his tours. And world leaders listen more to Him. In fact no one ever shouts ‘Paedo protector’ to Him. Completely stolen my monopoly on righteousness.

JS: Well Pope John-Paul was a bit of superstar. Kissed the ground and everything.

PopeBoss: Oh God, no not him! He’s old news mate!

JS: Right, so who’s got you all jealous then?

PopeBoss: That bloody Bono

Today’s post comes from the Jaded Snapper to read more visit jadedsnapper.wordpress.com

Today’s post comes from the Jaded Snapper to read more visit jadedsnapper.wordpress.com

JadedSnapper is at a photocall, waiting for the ‘action’ to begin.

JadedSnapper: Hi guys

RedTopSnapper: [pointing to JS] Who’s this joker?

SilentSnapper: [shrugs shoulders]

RedTopSnapper: I’ve never seen him before – look at the kit – he must be a joker

SilentSnapper: [nods in agreement]

JS: Hey guys!…OI! I am here you know!

RedTopSnapper: [turns derisively to JS] Yeah, I know

JS: Well why ignore me then? I’m not a mime artist you know!

SilentSnapper: [furrows eyebrows and folds arms, clearly offended]

RedTopSnapper: Look mate, you’re not a pro so why don’t you sod off and play flower macros

JS: What are you on about? I’m the third best photographer on the EveningSnooze

RedTopSnapper: Oh, sorry mate – [turns to SilentSnapper and points with his thumb at JS] – he’s a local photographer

JS: Err, regional!

RedTopSnapper: Oh, dear, sorry mate, a regional photographer

SilentSnapper: [raises eyebrows and smirks]

RedTopSnapper: [turns back to JS] It’s hard these days to tell the amateurs apart from the regional photographers, especially with that kit

JS: What’s wrong with the kit?

RedTopSnapper: Mate, Nikon are shite. Until you get kit like this – [waves Canon camera about] – you’ll never really get on in this game.

JS: They’re just the same these days. And the FrogAgency now uses Nikon..

SilentSnapper: [mimes 'cheese eating surrender monkeys']

RedTopSnapper: Exactly, the frogs don’t count. Anyway, that’s not the point, look at this bit [points at the white lens] that’s the difference

JS: What, the colour?

RedTopSnapper: Yeah

JS: Racist

RedTopSnapper: What?

JS: Well what does that matter?

RedTopSnapper: Look, I’ve got a white lens, do you know what that means? It means it cost me more than a Rio Ferdinand

JS: A what?

RedTopSnapper: A grand mate. Over a faaacking grand mate!

JS: Well, all professional kit does these days, even Nikon…

RedTopSnapper: Yeah but no one knows that. With a white lens every one can see!

JS: How useful. So what?

RedTopSnapper: Well hardly any amateurs have these lenses so everyone knows I’m a pro, and I know that everyone who has one is a pro.

JS: So what?

RedTopSnapper: That way, I know who to talk to

SilentSnapper: [nods in agreement]

JS: So, let me get this straight, you only talk to professional photographers who have Canon kit?

RedTopSnapper: You see, not so fick are ya! But there’s one exception to that.

JS: What’s that?

RedTopSnapper: We don’t like girls either.

Also this week at the Jaded Snapper Blog

GiantCheque

JadedSnapper has been banned from SnoozeCityFC but is determined to get in. He is at the photographers’ entrance. ClubSteward is there waiting. JS is walking rather awkwardly.

JadedSnapper: Erm, hi! I’m the…cartoonist!

ClubSteward: Hey, don’t I recognise you?

JS: [strokes his GrouchoMarx moustache and nose set] Who, me, nope, don’t think so..I’m just a cartoonist, never been here before…

ClubSteward: So why are you at the photographers’ entrance? Photographers are banned!

JS: Oh! Shit, err, just accident I think…

ClubSteward: [points to JS' belly] And what’s that massive bulge?

JS: Erm, well… [puts on a high voice] I’m pregnant!

ClubSteward: So that’s not a 400mm lens, two camera bodies, a laptop, and a stool?

JS: No, I’m eight months pregnant!

ClubSteward: What’s with the tash?

JS: [scolding] I’m very sensitive about it!

ClubSteward: Oh, Sorry about that…ma’am. That’s okay then, in you go…

Suddenly a shout from behind JS

ClubPhotographer: Stop that man!

ClubSteward: Err, she’s not a man, and she’s very sensitive ’bout that bushy tash!

JS: Hey! I mean, hey!

ClubPhotographer: [with a theatrical sweep, removes the GrouchoMarx mask, shocked gasps appear from seemingly nowhere] You see!

ClubSteward: Hey! That doesn’t mean she’s not pregnant!

ClubPhotographer: [unzips JS' coat. A flight case, a laptop bag, a backpack and a stool crash to the floor] You see! A photographer

ClubSteward: A-ha! Now I recognise you! You’re from the EveningSnooze!

JS: I think I’ve been rumbled!

ClubPhotographer: Too right you have! You’re not allowed in. Only I am. The EveningSnooze have to buy my pictures.

JS: But you’re not a professional photographer…

ClubPhotographer: I am on Saturdays!

JS: I stand corrected. So that must mean you get paid?

ClubPhotographer: Seeing the glorious SnoozeCity is payment enough!

JS: So, you don’t get paid as such?

ClubPhotographer: [defiantly] I get an advent calendar at Christmas, an egg at Easter and a mug on my birthday

JS: Well in that case I do apologise for disputing your status. You don’t appear to be carrying much kit though?

ClubPhotographer: I obviously don’t have the huge lenses you ‘professionals’ have. So I use this one it’s all I need, [proudly unveils lens]

JS: But that’s a JamJar -

ClubPhotographer: – Well I’ve cleaned it out!

JS: Fair enough. So given that the club are selling your pictures that you’ve taken on your kit in your own time I can only assume that you’re getting a cut of their profits

ClubPhotographer: You ‘professionals’ are all about the money

JS: Fancy that

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